pedicures are wack

ok friends and whatnots. i have gotten three pedicures in my life and i will never get one again. last month, a friend from out of town came for a visit, lets call her...Jennifer. So Jennifer and I decided to go to a movie after I worked a shift at a cafe. i was gross and sweaty and my feet stank like whoa. i have a weird thing about feet and hygiene. i can't handle it when people touch me with their feet, people generally touching my feet, or looking at gross feet. my friend Mess would torment me by slowly touch her feet against mine when we were chillin' on our beds or on the couch. i used to squeal with displeasure when this would happen. the worst was when i would take naps in her bed (i'm what you call a "bed-whore" meaning i love, love, love sleeping in other peoples beds. it's like getting into that person's brain for me) and as i woke up i realize that i had been snuggling with stray dirty socks that freed themselves from the bonds of Mess' feet. she would just laugh at me and then kick me out of her bed. a similar story but more embarrassing is the one time i was using my friend Lauren's apartment as a crash-pad and i fell asleep in a drunken stupor. only did i realize the next hungover morning that my face and drool was on a pair of Lauren's boyfriend's underwear that she had been wearing to sleep. i know that i deserve all of these things...karma blahblahblah. back to the point, allowing someone i don't know to touch my feet is a bit on the traumatic side for me. so having three pedicures in my 24 yrs on earth is kinda big deal for me. the first two pedicures were amazing. simple, clean, relaxing. but i did have a sense of guilt as i was paying someone else touch my feet. it is not only about the guilt of having someone touching my feet but also the position of subservience i was placing whomever under. frankly, you could not pay me enough to touch a stranger's feet. but in the ithaca mall you can pay stranger $27 for touching your feet when you are unwilling or too lazy to do it yourself. so i go with Jennifer to the nail salon before our afternoon movie, we had 45mins for this shit. the shop is full of moms and daughters, to be honest they were all pretty nightmarish. the moms were so rude to the people who worked there, like their chola eyebrows and their corns were the most important things to hit the Ithaca Mall since Cheez Wiz. one woman in particular was atrocious. the nail tech dude called her two daughters for pedis and the mom mumbled "oh, no room for me huh" like the heffa was competing with her kids. seriously though, chick had the worst over plucked brows and she was clearly feeling the dark brown eye pencil with brown purple lipstick and reddish, curly hair. lady was looking mad pale and sallow, but she thought she had it goin' on. pukeinmymouth. and her feet and all the other feet in the room were pretty hideous. anyways, i was called up and waited in a puffy, massage chair while my feet soaked in a pool of blue "water". the nail tech dude comes over all dickwad/i hate you like, i say hello how are you, he mumbles something and then begins my pedicure. ok, i get it if you hate all the people that come into this shop with nasty feet, nastier attitudes and you have to prostrate yourself and touch their feet. and i came in with nasty feet but no attitude at all, i was friendly. for me this would be the most hellish job ever, so i get it. continuing on with the pedicure... it was ok until he was pumicing my feet and proceeded to scratch up my ankles. i flinched but thought that i was being a baby and i didn't say anything. pedi's done and i am drying my toenails under the lamp. i put lotion on and my ankle burned and the paint job was shit. i started mumbling about the shit quality and the guy hears me and comes up to me being like "pay me now". i pay him and then throw the tip at him. i sit down to wait for Jennifer to be finished with her nails and this same asshole says to me "Leave, why are you still here". this is when i flipped my shit. i turn to him, tell him "i am waiting for a friend" and then walk out after telling another nail tech lady that i had just paid $31 to have the skin of my ankles removed and that they can fuck themselves. ok mr. angry man, i hate you too. go fuck yourself and run into a wall please. i knew that pedicures made me uncomfortable for many reasons and this experience just validated all of my pedicure phobias. i am not saying that pedicures can't be nice and relaxing or that everyone shouldn't get them because the people giving them hate their lives. all i am saying is that i am skeptical and a little venomous toward this one dude. fuck you nail tech asshole, i am glad that i threw that money at you cuz you are a bitch if i have ever seen one.

jane seymour sez dance bitch

hello again.
maybe a month ago i realized that Jane Seymour has two different colored eyes. you ask why do i care, tell you the truth i don't know why i am so intrigued by her. let's have run down of who Jane Seymour is:

1. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993-2001). yo, do you remember her hottie assistant. yeah i wanted him, he was all rugged and shit, with long hair. i know that most of the 2.5 people that read this have watched Dr. Quinn and are a bit embarrassed that they watched her show. whatevs guys, at least you weren't watching Touched by An Angel, my grams loved that show.

2. a Bond girl from "Live and Let Die"

that is all i care to discuss about her as a Hollywood entity. so let's talk about those eyes. Jane Seymour has heterochromia, her left eye green and her right eye is brown. heterochromia is a rare human trait, it is more commonly found in dogs and cats. it is so subtle that it took me years to see this trait in Jane Seymour, but the photos explain it all. other actors/actresses like Mila Kunis, Christopher Walken, and Kate Bosworth all have heterochromia. it is a pretty stunning trait. most people have complete heterochromia with one eye a different color than the other. partial heterochromia, where different colors break up each eye, is more rare. often people think that David Bowie has heterochromia but his left pupil is actually permanently dilated after a fight where his friend punched him in the face while wearing a ring, they were 15 years old. we all know that people are very attracted by eyes, but is it possible that people are more attractive due to heterochromia and thus have higher chances of "making it".

Why Gary Busey Freaks Me Out

This blog is dedicated to group of gents that I will refer to as: Mr. Americano and Associates.

ok. it is easy to see why gary busey physically freaks me the fuck out. but let me ennumerate all of the reasons.

1. his mouth is massive. it is unnatural looking. his teeth are long and yellowed.

2. he is crazy. did you see the shit that he pulled at the 2008 Oscars? people did not know what to think. watch this and you will understand the great discomfort that Mr. Busey causes people.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xQYeL7RInsg

3. his face looks plastic and his hairline is weird. you can't even see his hairline in the photo above, but strangely you can see foppish hair which is seemingly coming from his head. that shit is suspect of plugs or a wig.

ok. i only have 3 reasons on why Gary Busey freaks me out, but they are totally legit.

Let me break it down...
It is widely believe that he is crazy because he was involved in a terrible motorcycling accident in the late 80's. Due to the fact that he was not wearing a helmet, he suffered massive skull injuries and brain damage.

i don't know dudes. he freaks me out but i can see that part of the reason why he is just overthetop nutters to me is because his face and teeth were, assumingly, rebuilt after the accident. do ya'll think that he would have been normal had he not had a horrible accident. i think that he is just riding his own brand of crazy into the sunset of the American Dream. Mr. Americano and Associates tell me that Gary Busey's reality television show entitled "I'm with Busey" is amazing.

here is a little bit of Gary Busey trivia because you never know when he might come up in conversation.

1. Was Gary Busey in the movie...
a. There Will Be Blood
b. Lethal Weapon
c. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
d. How Stella Got Her Groove Back

2. To Which Video Game Did Gary Busey lend his voice to...*
a. SmashBrothers
b. Metroid
c. Zelda
d. Vice City

*Phil Collins has a cameo in another installment of this in/famous video game. This makes him the first famous musician in the series to have a self-representive avatar. Who the fuck knew Phil Collins was chill like that. As J-Dog would say "That's what's up".
I have to admit that i have always hated his damned music, Genesis was so... chickflick vomity.

3. Has Gary Busey spawned?
a. yes
b. no

answers to this trivia qiz will be give in the next blog post.

did i mention that i am a jerk?

things i like

1. Animals. what is that my friend has on her facebook page... "loving animals is a substitute activity". anyway, i love animals. my favorite mammal is the nine-banded armadillo. my favorite animal is the great white shark. i like puppies and kittens as well as reptiles and amphibians. marine invertibrate are my jam, especially cephalpods. sea birds are the shit. i know the names of every dog that come to where i work. i will go out of my way to pet a dog.

2. The beach. i throughly enjoy the beach. it is my favorite place to be at any time of year. i would love to have a beach house one day. the best part of the beach is the shore, because it feels like the world is coming out and meeting you. for the longest time i couldn't handle the feeling of wet sand all over my body but i got over that. every july my mother and i take a week vacation and go down to the shore MD or DE. last year we had two additions: Sheba and my grandmother, who is affectionately called Tete. Sheba is a this little white puff of a dog. it was her first time at the beach, she loved it except the whole water thing. she looked like a little white sausage in the sand. god i love that dog. my grandma is pretty cool too, crazy but cool. which leads to my next thing i like...

3. my family. i love my family, even if we are all a bit nutso.

4.shoes. i love shoes. i was recently asked how many i owned and the visual number for now is about 30. but i know that is without counting my summer shoes. i feel dirty about it...sometimes. what's when i put on my heels and everything is ok.

5. i am heavy into perfume. don't get me wrong, i don't go overboard on wearing it. less is more in this case. i just believe that putting on a perfume is like putting on a mood. i have perfumes for the day and the night, they can never be worn out of context.

6. men. i like men, no i love men. as much as ya'll might think i am a huge lez, i'm not. I LOVE MEN. god sakes they can be so sexy. the angular faces, facial hair, low hips, the strength, their high little asses, broad chests and shoulders. i could go on and on and on. but dudes can be mad fucked up to chicks though, so it's a catch22.

7. sports. i like sports a lot, particularly full contact sports (hockey, lacrosse, American football). it's funny seeing that i am a 5'4" and not really atheletically inclined. i used to watch NBA ball when i was younger but became disillusioned by all the traveling and illegitmate fouls. now i don't even have a television and it's flipping the start of MarchMadness, i am dying to see some great NCAA games. GO BIG RED. the Superbowl this year had me on the edge of my seat, i was hysterical when the Giants won. but my favourite sporting event comes every four years and i live and breathe that shit. i'm talking about the World Cup. i can not freaking wait for the next one, i was glued to the set that summer. i think my love of sports is directly related to my love of men. i was told recently that i would be called a "jersey chaser". which is accurate except that i won't chase anything unless out of anger or hunger. my two top men right now are both on sports teams the Saints and the Galaxy. they are modern day adonis'.

8. other peoples babies. i am totally into babies as long as they do not come home with me or have 1/2 my DNA. my main baby for the last year or so has been Semai. just to let you all know he has four teeth and has started walking! Lincolnmonster is up there too, seeing him on Mark's shoulders and then doing his little plane thing were out of control cute.

9. cars. i have loved cars since i was little. one time my dad took my to the Javits Center to the annul car show. it was like 1994 and i was thrilled to bits. that is when i fell in love with the automotive. i could and can still kinda identify cars by the frame and headlights. a commerical for the Ford Probe sticks in my head. these little boys are having a sleepover and one is telling the other what kind of car was on the street based on the sound of the engine. then the Ford Probe comes ambling down the road and the first boys is like oh that's a Ford Probe and then the other boy is like yeah it is, but what color is it? i love that commercial, i wanted to be just like them. the Audi TDI Le Man is so sexy it hurts. but my favorite car company is Alfa Romeo, their 8C Spider is fly beyond belief.

10. jewelry. i want ice, but none of that blood diamond shit. i want canadian ice.

icydk/ riddle me this

Location: the internet in my bed and yes this is what the internet looks like from here. cool colors, huh.

I have been wondering about the internet again. there are many different languages that the internet uses. i am not sure but i think it is based in binary. fucks sake i dont know. but some of you do know this language. the internet is also built upon an internal user language as well. and i only began to notice it recently. it is kinda like text message speak, you know with all the abbreviations and acronyms that convey an action or thought. i am going to list the ones i have picked up on what urbandicitionary calls "netspeak".

SMH = shake my head
ICYDK = in case you didn't know
IMHO = in my honest opinion
NSFW = not safe for work...think nudie pics
NSFL = not safe for life, this term is even higher than nsfw. by clicking on the link death will meet you in no time, i mean, in your own time.
TL; DR = to long didn't read (this one is just sad)
HBIC = head bitch in charge hahahahahahhahhahahahahahahhah
ROFL = this one is that you have maybe used like in the days of AIMing, extension of LOL*
BB = baby
FTW = for the win, this denotes enthusiasm or excitement
TBH = to be honest
TBQH = to be quite honest

i am not sure that these ones even count because i use them in real life. those who know me know its sure. whatevs.
*LOL = laughing out loud
OMG = ohmygod, yes that is how you spell it
BFF = best friends forever
BRB = be right back. My friend Julie from back home actually taught me this one in 8th or 9th grade on AIM. i was so dense. this is how it went:

yourmomisanazol: blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah, i'm 13 going on 45, blahblahblah
pantsrjewels: brb

waiting no reply, then suddenly....

pantsrjewels: back
yourmomisanazol: what does brb mean
pantsrjewels: be right back
yourmomisanazol: ok

then i just sat there and waited because i thought she was doing something. i didn't realize that she was telling me what brb meants. so then i was like...

yourmomisanazol: are you there? i just asked you what brb meant and you just ignored me.
pantsrjewels: no jerkface, i was telling you what brb means. it means be right back
yourmomisanazol: ooooooohh...

in the words of Oprah, it was a lightbulb moment.

my love affair with the internet began long ago, in a state 4.5 hours away. I LOVE MD and the INTERNET. word up b-more.

kim kardashian vs. the hoover dam

maybe you haven't heard of kim kardashian so here is a photo. she the daughter of oj simpson's murder trial attroney and kris jenner. her step brother is brody jenner, who is a part if the hit MTV reality show "The Hills". her step-father is boring, and was once in the Olympics.

things you probably have heard about her, if you have at all.

1. she stars in a sex tape with Ray-J (aka the sister of the singer Brandy or how some of us remember her fondly, Moesha). he is the little fuckface in the yellow shirt.

2. that she has ass implants

3. that she currently is dating the New Orleans Saints' running back Reggie Bush or as i will call him Adonis. supposedly he is trying to wife her up.

4. that she is hot, because she was the covergirl for Playboy's December issue.

5. she is kinda a skank

things that you probably don't know about her, because you are not obsessed with celebrity.

1. she was once married for 4 years to a man named Damon Thomas. you would think that i was talking about the tall goodlooking one right. nope, he is the short busted dude in the first non-Kim photo. now how in the world did he land kim for any amount of time longer than it takes a male rabbit to orgasm?

2. she has a reality show called "Keeping up with the Kardashians". it is really weird. there is one episode in which her little sisters are playing on a stripper pole in their parents bedroom. SAY WHAT. yeah that's right kim kardashian's parents have a stripper pole in their bedroom. kim bought it for them. so basically, kim kardashian's little sisters were playing on a built in sex toy that she gave to her parents. there is more weirdness if you watch the video but i think it is too weird. what i am writing is true because i am a weirdo. my love of celebrity is like watching trains start for a station and return as crumpled piles of steel and steam. (sorry i got carried away)

3. i dont know if she has ass implants but she has superior assests and chestsets. you get it...you know what i mean...

4. that she is famous for no reason and that she doesnt have a job in any real sense of the word "job"

so where does the hoover dam come into all of this. it's like this: in my head the hoover damn is as cool or slightly cooler than (= or >) all things kim kardashian.

the hoover dam is a top priority on my american vacation list right now. why? because it is MASSIVE. it is so big that it blocks the Colorado River, this is the same river that carved the Grand Canyon (next on american vacation list). the dam was named after Herbert Hoover, the 31st president of Etats Unis (backwards that spells: sin u state. what does that say about the country and about the true feelings of the French). the building style of the dam is called a concrete arch-gravity dam, (i dont even know what that means). i think that being there would be ahmazing. you would be on so much electric power, concrete, and water. so yeah, even though i know more about kim kardashian, i would be starstruck by the hoover dam.

ps. Amy Winehouse's first album "Frank" is the shit

i get it. jeez.

ok ya'lls (i like to write that because it makes me think of britney spears saying it which, for me, is endlessly funny). let me get this straight, if i write in my blog you won't read it until i badger each of you to read it. i haven't written in my blog because i think no one reads it (mostly because ya'lls... hahaha... never leave me comments). now my deary friend mess told me off for not writing in it. so here we go.

i have been very upset recently, but for the most ridiculous reasons. today i was offended by fake tans, the other day it was because of celebrities insuring their bodies, and the other other day it was fake boobs. i am not sure why i am fascinated by these shallow waters. but let me explain my rage. i like celebrity gossip, i have many sites that i check obsessively. one site had the photos of orange-dayglow fake tan paris hilton at her movie premier of "The Hottie and the Nottie", then another site had the photos of Tom Jones (as seen above)

Tom Jones, who also likes sporting a creepy tan, supposedly has insured his beloved, manly (puke in mouth) chest-hair for $7million. yeah, $7million for leathery skin and greying chest-hair. ew. do you think that he dyes his chest-hair to match his carpet? sorry, that is inappropriate. then the Tom Jones thing, lead to other celebrities who have parts of their bodies insured for millions. Heidi Klum's legs are insured for $2.2million. then i wondered if she had her boobs insured because they are pretty famous too. then i thought about, what if she got fake boobs: would that increase or decrease the possible insurance value of her boobs. yeah, whatever. another Heidi in the celebritdom is Heidi Montag who has fake boobs (we know cuz she sold her surgery story to a tabloid magazine). Ms. Montag and her boobs are now singers and have a new music video. on the other hand, Dolly Parton has massive fake boobs and i love her (for seemingly countless reasons). what gives. idk.

welcome to loza-land

Heidi Montag's new video for her single "Higher" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSRigInpvYM
try to listen to the song and its crappiness, but it is so hard to do because of heidi's fake boobs and amazing body.

something to think about

the other day (before Heath Ledger's death) i was thinking about the idea of collective grieving. what i mean by this can be shown by examples that occured within our life-times.

1. princess diana
i remember exactly where i was when i heard that she had died. i was at my friend rachel ward's apartment in princeton,nj. my mom and i were in nj for a visit after we had moved to md. rachel's dad was a religious conseulor somehow involved with princeton, racheal's mom was a homemaker. her mom is japanese and her dad is white. rachel was extremely talented as an artist and she played the flute, her dad played the piano. one summer she went to japan to visit family and she brought me back a keroppi piggy-bank, i still have it to this day on my bed-side table. back to princess di. so there i was maybe 12 or 13, it's the summer before 7th grade, i was so bloodly excited to see rachel again. we did the normal kid thing, giggled absurdly and stayed up late. so we were up way past normal kid hours being goofy ass best friends and boom, the story of princess diana's death breaks. i was in shock, rachel and i couldn't believe it. her parents woke up and where all like wtf why are you up, but then realized what was going on. there is a phrase in amharic "kew alleng" that means kinda like "i was hit with a sudden shock or understanding". i felt like that. we stayed up mad late watching all the coverage until we couldn't stay up any longer. princess diana died in a crash in a Paris tunnel while her driver was trying to out run a paparazzi. her lover Dodi Al-Fayed (aka the onetime heir to Harrod's) and Henri Paul, then the head of security detail from the Ritz-Carlton, also died in the crash. diana's death outshined the other two. i couldn't believe that she had died because i wasn't even sure she was real. but then she died a horribly tragic death which left her family in shambles. and this family is the throne of england. they were divinely selected to rule england and her colonies as well as to be the embodiment of the church of england. it kinda makes sense why i thought she would never die, since her humanity was stripped from her when she married the heir to the british throne (who is no longer heir after his divorce from diana and his subsequent marriage to camilla parker bowles). i remember watching the coverage after the crash and the news stating that she was in critical condition, which meant to me that she would live. how could she die if was a character in a story i had heard about throughout my childhood. when they announced her death i was bewildered, all i could think about was her children and how they could cope without their mother and the fact that her death was in the name of celebrity. diana was not real to me until the moment she died. funny isnt it. it was like i realized people would actually miss her in the most personal ways as a mother, as a former spouse, as a child, as a sister, etcetc. my mother and i watched all the coverage of her death and burial. the piles of flowers in front of buckingham palace was astounding even as a child. it blew me away that people who didnt know her where feeling the same "pain" that i was experiencing thousands of miles away. i remember the footage from Hyde Park where they were telecasting live the funeral procession and service. there were hundreds of people all there on a beautiful day wimpering, crying as princess diana was laid to rest. i was and still am mystified that all those people i felt that they personally had lost someone in their inner circle. though i was affected by the sudden death diana, i never cried over it and i didnt feel that it had any lasting emotional effect on my life. but i am glad (if that is the right word) that i felt this collective empathy and heartache with people all across the world. in a way, diana's death made me more human and exposed me to the tragedy that exists in the world every day.
2. September 11, 2001
i remember this day quite clearly. i was in Mr. Stange's microeconomics class, 2nd period like 9am-ish. Mr. Stange was not in that day because his wife was pregnant and he was being a good husband and taking care of business. our sub that day gave us bullshit work and we trucked away, until she received a phone call. she was told to put on the news and she did. that is when i first saw the images of that day. i thought it was a joke, the worst joke in the world, but it wasnt. we watched in awe and confusion as the second plane hit and then the buildings fell. it was un-real but i realized we were watching history. then the pentagon was hit. when the bell rang, we peeled ourselves from our chairs and headed to 3rd period. i wasnt crying but i felt sick and unsafe, all i could think about was if i knew anyone in nyc or in d.c. who worked in those sites. i didnot lose anyone that day but i felt guilt and loneliness even after my mom came home. they let our school out early and it was a blue sky early fall day, i was in shorts. as i got to the charles street light near the exxon station across from the elkridge country club i started to cry. i was looking at the blue sky and crying, because all the people in nyc and d.c. had just had the worst day in their lives and i was driving home on a beautiful day. i sat at home and waited for my mom to come home, fearing for some reason she wouldnt. when she came home i burst into tears, she told me not to cry and to pull myself together. america mourned in earnest . everyone from the richest to the poorest, youngest to the oldest died that day. we all mourned together but unlike diana there was no coverage of the funerals because there were so many and they were too close to our individual lives. americans that day, even if they didnt lose anyone, felt like the people who died lead parallel lives to our own. in effect, bits of us survivors died that day, to varying extents. i asked some people at work and some friends what they were doing that day and where they were when it happened, everyone could replay to me exactly how and where they found out about this horrible moment. some even drew the comparisons to the feeling in the nation when JFK was assassinated in 1964. though i can agree that 9-11 was a day that is burned in contemporary america's collective consciousness, i could not agree that the death of one man, even though he was the definition of amercia, could so easliy be compared to the deaths of thousands. the same goes for diana's death, why do i remember hers so clearly but i could not for the life of me tell you the name of one person in 9-11 or katrina or the 2004 tsunami or in the iraq/afghanistan war. why did/do i react to the lives of celebrities more than the reality that surrounds me. i know it is easier to distance myself from the feelings surrounding death and the aftermath of death if it is sensational but why do i/we chose the easy way out when we individually know the personal pain of death as we grow older and supposedly wiser.

sometimes i feel like a nut sometimes i don't

one day, a few months ago, i was in the car listening to NPR and i heard the most amazing show about music and the brain. it's an interview with Oliver Sacks about memory, music, and the brain. check out the interview.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16150051

this woman suffered from musicogenic epliepsy that was triggered by the dancehall singer Sean Paul. she recently underwent an experimental brain surgery to correct the condition. to prove the success of the operation she listened to one of Sean Paul's songs at a press conference, she did not have a seizure. here is the link:

http://dlisted.com/node/21894

it's crazy how our brains can work or not work given certain physical or mental changes

An An Interview between Alli Kontey and her Appendix about their nearly tragic breakup earlier this month in Thailand

As Alli Kontey's former appendix, I just thought that I should tell you a little about the demise of a once beautiful relationship. It all began on a holiday in Thailand that began swimmingly but ended very poorly. I spoke to her recently for the first time since the "incident" to discuss the roots of the situation. The interview is paraphrased and the questions are original.

A little background if you will.

I was Alli Kontey's appendix, I lived in her abdomen for the last 22 years. Recently Alli and I where in Mongolia where Alli is currently on a Fulbright Scholarship to research the changes in traditional Kazakh textiles after the fall of the Soviet Union. She also teaches English 3-4 times a week and soon is going to begin tutoring kids. She is a smart cookie huh. Alli went on a winter holiday to Thailand in early January with her friends Bert and Billy, that's when things got ugly. Getting back to me though, let's go over some basics. My exact function in humans is unknown but often I get irritated suddenly causing my human much grief and this usually ends in tears and I move out. I know I confuse people about what exactly I do, but you know, it is hard for people to pin me down which is just how I like it. Generally, it is believed but not known that, I control certain homeostatic (aka balance) mechanisms in fetuses and adults. And, I could also be an internal toxin flusher. It has been found that in poorer, less developed countries my presence can help my human fight off bacteria while in developed countries I am left without purpose. Basically, all you First-Worlders including Mz. Kontey, here just let me wither way and then I just lose it one day. Let's put this behind us though, and begin the interview:

Alli Kontey's Appendix: How did I make you feel? Was I out of line that night that I exploded?

Alli Kontey: At first it felt like stomach cramps but I ended up in screaming pain on the floor, I thought I was going to pass out. I was carried to the regional hospital and then I had to be helped into the bed. At the local hospital I was sedated because they did not have the proper operating setup. So they decide that I should be transported to another island that had better resources. They didn't know the extent of the appendicitis, meaning that I had to travel for a few hours by boat and taxi to get to the nearest hospital that was capable of handling my case. Once I got there, the doctor decided to do the emergency surgery. It's funny because I was paranoid about it before, I thought that I was having appendicitis in Mongolia. I actually had a stomach bug. After the surgery, the doctor told me that you had ruptured and was causing sepsis in my abdominal cavity. The doctor had to make a 7inch incision because of the layout of my organs, my appendix was up near my liver rather than at the beginning of my colon. The doctor thought that I would only be there for 5days but I ended up there twice as long. It turns out the I was hours away from death when I first arrived to the hospital. My scar is 6.5inches long.

AKA: Damn Gina, I didn't know it was that serious. I am sorry I blew up at you. Do you forgive me?

AK: No. I would not wish this upon anyone. You almost killed me! I will never forgive you.

AKA: It was me not you, I swear. I know I was hurting you, I just couldn't help but self-destruct. I just knew it was the right time to get out of this relationship. It just felt like you didn’t need me anymore? You know what I mean?

AK: Whateva yr a fucking asshole.

AKA: Did you keep me around or throw me to the wolves?

AK: God, you are so self-obsessed. You know that you exploded into a million pieces. Ew, why would I ever want to look at you again after everything you put me through.

AKA: I don't know. Lindsay Lohan kept her appendix after she had it removed. You know, I thought because you are hot and she is hot that you might act the same or share each other's thoughts. Moving on. Did you trust the nurses and doctors? I don’t trust that one giving the victory sign while you were giving the peace sign in that one photo? I also heard that they kept your passport as collateral until your insurance came through.

AK: Yeah they were nice. I had some student nurses that took care of me after the initial crazy period. I can not even tell you how bruised my arms are from all the fluids and drugs they had to give me. I think that like seven of my veins collapsed. It's true I'm stuck on this Samui Island til my insurance gets their shit together and pays the hospital. Until then the hospital was using my passport as collateral. Now I am out of the hospital, but I have to take it easy for a little while more so I can heal before going back to Mongolia. I have missed almost a month of work.

AKA: You mentioned a golden word in your last answer: DRUGS. What kinda of drugs did I miss out on? Cuz’ I know this shit hurt. I am still trying to recover, you know, put the pieces back together.

AK: I was on two different antibiotics and some week pain relievers. They were not fun. They made me sick to my stomach, I couldn't eat anything sizable for days on end. Today was my first real meal.

AKA: Well that is just lame to the max. Oh you know what, I heard through the organ gossip grapevine that Zac Efron and his appendix recently split up. What do you have to say about this tragedy?

AK: *phone abruptly cuts off*

Yeah so that is the end of the interview. I think she is still pissed at me. What can a vestigial organ do? Here is some trivia:

Did you know the medical term for the surgical removal of an appendix is called a laparoscopy or laparotomy but the physical procedure to remove the inflamed appendix is called an appendectomy? The difference is that terms laparoscopy/laparotomy are used for surgeries of the abdominal cavity in general (The former is less invasive than the later). And peritonitis, which is often associated with appendicitis, refers to inflammation of the mucus lining of the abdominal cavity.

things i don't like

1. combovers, just except your age and bald heads can be sexy
2. when people don't use their directional lights when changing lanes or turning
3. lecherous old men
4. tanning oil though it smells like pina coladas
5. love handles (including my own) though i understand the need for cushion for the pushin'
6. cigarette butts on the beach
7. porcelain veneers (i was going to post an image but it was too gross, even for me. i have spared you, but if you want to puke i suggest a simple google image search)
8. fake nails
9. tanning salons in sunny places
10. non-matching hair/eyebrow combos (but scarjo is still smokin)
11. triflin hoes (you know who you are)

would you be my friend if...

i was into Reborn dolls. so check it. my rant about the greatness of the BBC is based off of many years of listening to the World Service but a recent documentary called My Fake Baby from BBC4 completely blew me away (check it out on youtube under My Fake Baby). the one hour documentary focused on a bizarro (I love you) subculture of people who collect hyperrealistic baby dolls. these dolls look pretty damn real, from their hair to their tiny plastic fingers and toes. some even have breathing apparatuses. the documentary focuses on the women who love these dolls, they range in age from youngish to middle age. no, the women do not think that these are real children...thankfully they can differentiate plastic from flesh, but they hold them so tenderly. one women says that she likes the dolls because they so close but so far from a real child aka no cleaning, no crying, no growing and only the initial cash investment, though she does by her multiple dolls expensive clothes and strollers. the woman who makes the dolls puts it well, her product is for women to be a new mom everyday of their lives. these women have entire rooms dedicated to these dolls and speak in hushed tones in their presence. all of the women except the one who makes the dolls are married and the reaction of the Reborn husbands is of general disapproval and with some of the men even being disgusted by their wives' "hobby". one women even goes all the way to america to pick up a doll. this was a particularly riveting moment in the documentary seeing her waiting in a hotel room in D.C. with her mother. her mom looked heartbroken the whole time, as though she wanted to support her daughter but in the end just did not understand her own child's logic. from the scene in the hotel room the most intense moment arrives as the viewer and the "mom" to be unpacks her doll. seeing this tiny little thing whose outline looks like a baby's entirely covered in bubble wrap and its face and feet protected by diapers made me edgy. i felt like the baby was suffocating even though i knew it was fake. once out of its plastic swaddling, the doll looked fake but in the creepiest way. the woman was elated calling it beautiful and cooing over it. anyways, you all have got to see this shit cuz it is out of this world, but oddly so human. i personally think that it is a strange hobby but if it helps these women with whatever it is they need then props, but i think that it is a bit weird. holla back at me with thoughts and comments. as the 12 tribes would say "let's rap".

faster than a fornicating rabbit

this has got to be short and sweet. cuz i am on the move. can i just say that BBC has the whole media empire thing down to a science. news, culture, and technology in a multi-faceted quasi-liberal network. american media outlets should take a page from this mega corporation. also, can you all believe that Mr. Barack Obama won the Iowa caucus and made hilary scramble to get her shit together. i swear to you that i NEVER IN MY LIFETIME thought that a black man would win any type of presidential anything. damn gina.


ps. though mrs. clinton's swollen tear ducts were probably sincere, she knew she had New Hampshire at her feet when they saw that she was human. man-it (contraction of man and damn it) she is a good politician her husband is good coach. step it up Mr. Obama, cuz that bitch used her emotions to "touch" america. vomit in my mouth.

damn

TI keeps messing up our relationship. he got his life partner pregnant again, this makes it baby number 4. damndamndamn. and in case any of you (hahaha i pretty sure no one reads this) want to know, he has six weeks until he can try to get his federal arms charges thrown out. unlikey.

ps. did you know that TI was considered such a flight risk that they took his passport away, then set his bail at $3million dollars, which he made. $2million was in cash (i think) and then he used his estate in ATL for the rest. oh, and the judge made it clear that he would jail him if it was found that witness intimidation had taken place.

i know that TI deserves to be in jail but i love him regardless.

hellohello

what up internet. things i have been into recently:

1.lupe fiasco, cuz he is a sick lyricist and is fly like none other and one day he will be my man. this means that i have given up on TI. shocking, i know. the whole house-arrest thing/felon/buying machine guns and silencers/having three children with the love of his life(aka not me), it is just not working out. it's not me, it's him. monsieur fiasco on the other hand is not a felon/under house-arrest/etc. but i can bet that he has a girl, because he is damn fine and you know that if has a chick that she is also fly and has his ass on lock down. a girl can dream cann't she. lupe's songs and videos like Conflict Diamonds, I Gotcha, Superstar, Dumb It Down, and Us Placers (this is actually a collaboration with Kanye West, Pharell, Thom Yorke and Plain Pat) are phat like whoa. check em out.
2. robyn. a swedish pop singer who is the female answer to kanye west(to me). she is out of control hot and her videos are on point. her videos Handle Me, Konichiwa Bitches, and With Every Hearbeat are very well done and mad catchy. those swedes have it all between ikea, robyn, endless summer days, uberblondes, great public healthcare and a rather high suicide rate.
3. the large white cats with hearts on their palms in kate nash's Pumpkin Soup video. i must admit kate nash is a cutie pie but she looks like this girl lily so i kinda hate her for absurd reasons.
4. any of Schott's Miscellany
5. all white puzzles. these things are harder to find than you would think.
6. wesley goode aka boy from Pumpkin Soup. there is no way that he is straight though.
7. kanye west's blog. the Stealth 3G luxury mobile phone posted on 01-04-08 is fresh, just like Ye.
8. dave chapelle. who's show introduced me to the funniest man i have ever seen in the media...
9. paul mooney

yeah.whatever.

basics

this blog has been created so that i can have an outlet for my most intense compulsion aka surfing The Internet. to the surprise of most of the people around me, i am an internet junkie. i surf for hours on end, attempting to add more useless knowledge to my brain. props to the internet being my sun and moon.

things you should know about this blog:
1. it will be ridiculous
2. there will be entries from Z to A, everything is game
3. i will try to bring the internet to your feet
4. i am in cohoots with a select group of people to conquer the internet, but i am pretty sure the internet will bitch-slap me with copyrights and other legalities

Hello Nurse!

watch out internets. i have arrived.