An An Interview between Alli Kontey and her Appendix about their nearly tragic breakup earlier this month in Thailand

As Alli Kontey's former appendix, I just thought that I should tell you a little about the demise of a once beautiful relationship. It all began on a holiday in Thailand that began swimmingly but ended very poorly. I spoke to her recently for the first time since the "incident" to discuss the roots of the situation. The interview is paraphrased and the questions are original.

A little background if you will.

I was Alli Kontey's appendix, I lived in her abdomen for the last 22 years. Recently Alli and I where in Mongolia where Alli is currently on a Fulbright Scholarship to research the changes in traditional Kazakh textiles after the fall of the Soviet Union. She also teaches English 3-4 times a week and soon is going to begin tutoring kids. She is a smart cookie huh. Alli went on a winter holiday to Thailand in early January with her friends Bert and Billy, that's when things got ugly. Getting back to me though, let's go over some basics. My exact function in humans is unknown but often I get irritated suddenly causing my human much grief and this usually ends in tears and I move out. I know I confuse people about what exactly I do, but you know, it is hard for people to pin me down which is just how I like it. Generally, it is believed but not known that, I control certain homeostatic (aka balance) mechanisms in fetuses and adults. And, I could also be an internal toxin flusher. It has been found that in poorer, less developed countries my presence can help my human fight off bacteria while in developed countries I am left without purpose. Basically, all you First-Worlders including Mz. Kontey, here just let me wither way and then I just lose it one day. Let's put this behind us though, and begin the interview:

Alli Kontey's Appendix: How did I make you feel? Was I out of line that night that I exploded?

Alli Kontey: At first it felt like stomach cramps but I ended up in screaming pain on the floor, I thought I was going to pass out. I was carried to the regional hospital and then I had to be helped into the bed. At the local hospital I was sedated because they did not have the proper operating setup. So they decide that I should be transported to another island that had better resources. They didn't know the extent of the appendicitis, meaning that I had to travel for a few hours by boat and taxi to get to the nearest hospital that was capable of handling my case. Once I got there, the doctor decided to do the emergency surgery. It's funny because I was paranoid about it before, I thought that I was having appendicitis in Mongolia. I actually had a stomach bug. After the surgery, the doctor told me that you had ruptured and was causing sepsis in my abdominal cavity. The doctor had to make a 7inch incision because of the layout of my organs, my appendix was up near my liver rather than at the beginning of my colon. The doctor thought that I would only be there for 5days but I ended up there twice as long. It turns out the I was hours away from death when I first arrived to the hospital. My scar is 6.5inches long.

AKA: Damn Gina, I didn't know it was that serious. I am sorry I blew up at you. Do you forgive me?

AK: No. I would not wish this upon anyone. You almost killed me! I will never forgive you.

AKA: It was me not you, I swear. I know I was hurting you, I just couldn't help but self-destruct. I just knew it was the right time to get out of this relationship. It just felt like you didn’t need me anymore? You know what I mean?

AK: Whateva yr a fucking asshole.

AKA: Did you keep me around or throw me to the wolves?

AK: God, you are so self-obsessed. You know that you exploded into a million pieces. Ew, why would I ever want to look at you again after everything you put me through.

AKA: I don't know. Lindsay Lohan kept her appendix after she had it removed. You know, I thought because you are hot and she is hot that you might act the same or share each other's thoughts. Moving on. Did you trust the nurses and doctors? I don’t trust that one giving the victory sign while you were giving the peace sign in that one photo? I also heard that they kept your passport as collateral until your insurance came through.

AK: Yeah they were nice. I had some student nurses that took care of me after the initial crazy period. I can not even tell you how bruised my arms are from all the fluids and drugs they had to give me. I think that like seven of my veins collapsed. It's true I'm stuck on this Samui Island til my insurance gets their shit together and pays the hospital. Until then the hospital was using my passport as collateral. Now I am out of the hospital, but I have to take it easy for a little while more so I can heal before going back to Mongolia. I have missed almost a month of work.

AKA: You mentioned a golden word in your last answer: DRUGS. What kinda of drugs did I miss out on? Cuz’ I know this shit hurt. I am still trying to recover, you know, put the pieces back together.

AK: I was on two different antibiotics and some week pain relievers. They were not fun. They made me sick to my stomach, I couldn't eat anything sizable for days on end. Today was my first real meal.

AKA: Well that is just lame to the max. Oh you know what, I heard through the organ gossip grapevine that Zac Efron and his appendix recently split up. What do you have to say about this tragedy?

AK: *phone abruptly cuts off*

Yeah so that is the end of the interview. I think she is still pissed at me. What can a vestigial organ do? Here is some trivia:

Did you know the medical term for the surgical removal of an appendix is called a laparoscopy or laparotomy but the physical procedure to remove the inflamed appendix is called an appendectomy? The difference is that terms laparoscopy/laparotomy are used for surgeries of the abdominal cavity in general (The former is less invasive than the later). And peritonitis, which is often associated with appendicitis, refers to inflammation of the mucus lining of the abdominal cavity.