pedicures are wack

ok friends and whatnots. i have gotten three pedicures in my life and i will never get one again. last month, a friend from out of town came for a visit, lets call her...Jennifer. So Jennifer and I decided to go to a movie after I worked a shift at a cafe. i was gross and sweaty and my feet stank like whoa. i have a weird thing about feet and hygiene. i can't handle it when people touch me with their feet, people generally touching my feet, or looking at gross feet. my friend Mess would torment me by slowly touch her feet against mine when we were chillin' on our beds or on the couch. i used to squeal with displeasure when this would happen. the worst was when i would take naps in her bed (i'm what you call a "bed-whore" meaning i love, love, love sleeping in other peoples beds. it's like getting into that person's brain for me) and as i woke up i realize that i had been snuggling with stray dirty socks that freed themselves from the bonds of Mess' feet. she would just laugh at me and then kick me out of her bed. a similar story but more embarrassing is the one time i was using my friend Lauren's apartment as a crash-pad and i fell asleep in a drunken stupor. only did i realize the next hungover morning that my face and drool was on a pair of Lauren's boyfriend's underwear that she had been wearing to sleep. i know that i deserve all of these things...karma blahblahblah. back to the point, allowing someone i don't know to touch my feet is a bit on the traumatic side for me. so having three pedicures in my 24 yrs on earth is kinda big deal for me. the first two pedicures were amazing. simple, clean, relaxing. but i did have a sense of guilt as i was paying someone else touch my feet. it is not only about the guilt of having someone touching my feet but also the position of subservience i was placing whomever under. frankly, you could not pay me enough to touch a stranger's feet. but in the ithaca mall you can pay stranger $27 for touching your feet when you are unwilling or too lazy to do it yourself. so i go with Jennifer to the nail salon before our afternoon movie, we had 45mins for this shit. the shop is full of moms and daughters, to be honest they were all pretty nightmarish. the moms were so rude to the people who worked there, like their chola eyebrows and their corns were the most important things to hit the Ithaca Mall since Cheez Wiz. one woman in particular was atrocious. the nail tech dude called her two daughters for pedis and the mom mumbled "oh, no room for me huh" like the heffa was competing with her kids. seriously though, chick had the worst over plucked brows and she was clearly feeling the dark brown eye pencil with brown purple lipstick and reddish, curly hair. lady was looking mad pale and sallow, but she thought she had it goin' on. pukeinmymouth. and her feet and all the other feet in the room were pretty hideous. anyways, i was called up and waited in a puffy, massage chair while my feet soaked in a pool of blue "water". the nail tech dude comes over all dickwad/i hate you like, i say hello how are you, he mumbles something and then begins my pedicure. ok, i get it if you hate all the people that come into this shop with nasty feet, nastier attitudes and you have to prostrate yourself and touch their feet. and i came in with nasty feet but no attitude at all, i was friendly. for me this would be the most hellish job ever, so i get it. continuing on with the pedicure... it was ok until he was pumicing my feet and proceeded to scratch up my ankles. i flinched but thought that i was being a baby and i didn't say anything. pedi's done and i am drying my toenails under the lamp. i put lotion on and my ankle burned and the paint job was shit. i started mumbling about the shit quality and the guy hears me and comes up to me being like "pay me now". i pay him and then throw the tip at him. i sit down to wait for Jennifer to be finished with her nails and this same asshole says to me "Leave, why are you still here". this is when i flipped my shit. i turn to him, tell him "i am waiting for a friend" and then walk out after telling another nail tech lady that i had just paid $31 to have the skin of my ankles removed and that they can fuck themselves. ok mr. angry man, i hate you too. go fuck yourself and run into a wall please. i knew that pedicures made me uncomfortable for many reasons and this experience just validated all of my pedicure phobias. i am not saying that pedicures can't be nice and relaxing or that everyone shouldn't get them because the people giving them hate their lives. all i am saying is that i am skeptical and a little venomous toward this one dude. fuck you nail tech asshole, i am glad that i threw that money at you cuz you are a bitch if i have ever seen one.

jane seymour sez dance bitch

hello again.
maybe a month ago i realized that Jane Seymour has two different colored eyes. you ask why do i care, tell you the truth i don't know why i am so intrigued by her. let's have run down of who Jane Seymour is:

1. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993-2001). yo, do you remember her hottie assistant. yeah i wanted him, he was all rugged and shit, with long hair. i know that most of the 2.5 people that read this have watched Dr. Quinn and are a bit embarrassed that they watched her show. whatevs guys, at least you weren't watching Touched by An Angel, my grams loved that show.

2. a Bond girl from "Live and Let Die"

that is all i care to discuss about her as a Hollywood entity. so let's talk about those eyes. Jane Seymour has heterochromia, her left eye green and her right eye is brown. heterochromia is a rare human trait, it is more commonly found in dogs and cats. it is so subtle that it took me years to see this trait in Jane Seymour, but the photos explain it all. other actors/actresses like Mila Kunis, Christopher Walken, and Kate Bosworth all have heterochromia. it is a pretty stunning trait. most people have complete heterochromia with one eye a different color than the other. partial heterochromia, where different colors break up each eye, is more rare. often people think that David Bowie has heterochromia but his left pupil is actually permanently dilated after a fight where his friend punched him in the face while wearing a ring, they were 15 years old. we all know that people are very attracted by eyes, but is it possible that people are more attractive due to heterochromia and thus have higher chances of "making it".

Why Gary Busey Freaks Me Out

This blog is dedicated to group of gents that I will refer to as: Mr. Americano and Associates.

ok. it is easy to see why gary busey physically freaks me the fuck out. but let me ennumerate all of the reasons.

1. his mouth is massive. it is unnatural looking. his teeth are long and yellowed.

2. he is crazy. did you see the shit that he pulled at the 2008 Oscars? people did not know what to think. watch this and you will understand the great discomfort that Mr. Busey causes people.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xQYeL7RInsg

3. his face looks plastic and his hairline is weird. you can't even see his hairline in the photo above, but strangely you can see foppish hair which is seemingly coming from his head. that shit is suspect of plugs or a wig.

ok. i only have 3 reasons on why Gary Busey freaks me out, but they are totally legit.

Let me break it down...
It is widely believe that he is crazy because he was involved in a terrible motorcycling accident in the late 80's. Due to the fact that he was not wearing a helmet, he suffered massive skull injuries and brain damage.

i don't know dudes. he freaks me out but i can see that part of the reason why he is just overthetop nutters to me is because his face and teeth were, assumingly, rebuilt after the accident. do ya'll think that he would have been normal had he not had a horrible accident. i think that he is just riding his own brand of crazy into the sunset of the American Dream. Mr. Americano and Associates tell me that Gary Busey's reality television show entitled "I'm with Busey" is amazing.

here is a little bit of Gary Busey trivia because you never know when he might come up in conversation.

1. Was Gary Busey in the movie...
a. There Will Be Blood
b. Lethal Weapon
c. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
d. How Stella Got Her Groove Back

2. To Which Video Game Did Gary Busey lend his voice to...*
a. SmashBrothers
b. Metroid
c. Zelda
d. Vice City

*Phil Collins has a cameo in another installment of this in/famous video game. This makes him the first famous musician in the series to have a self-representive avatar. Who the fuck knew Phil Collins was chill like that. As J-Dog would say "That's what's up".
I have to admit that i have always hated his damned music, Genesis was so... chickflick vomity.

3. Has Gary Busey spawned?
a. yes
b. no

answers to this trivia qiz will be give in the next blog post.

did i mention that i am a jerk?

things i like

1. Animals. what is that my friend has on her facebook page... "loving animals is a substitute activity". anyway, i love animals. my favorite mammal is the nine-banded armadillo. my favorite animal is the great white shark. i like puppies and kittens as well as reptiles and amphibians. marine invertibrate are my jam, especially cephalpods. sea birds are the shit. i know the names of every dog that come to where i work. i will go out of my way to pet a dog.

2. The beach. i throughly enjoy the beach. it is my favorite place to be at any time of year. i would love to have a beach house one day. the best part of the beach is the shore, because it feels like the world is coming out and meeting you. for the longest time i couldn't handle the feeling of wet sand all over my body but i got over that. every july my mother and i take a week vacation and go down to the shore MD or DE. last year we had two additions: Sheba and my grandmother, who is affectionately called Tete. Sheba is a this little white puff of a dog. it was her first time at the beach, she loved it except the whole water thing. she looked like a little white sausage in the sand. god i love that dog. my grandma is pretty cool too, crazy but cool. which leads to my next thing i like...

3. my family. i love my family, even if we are all a bit nutso.

4.shoes. i love shoes. i was recently asked how many i owned and the visual number for now is about 30. but i know that is without counting my summer shoes. i feel dirty about it...sometimes. what's when i put on my heels and everything is ok.

5. i am heavy into perfume. don't get me wrong, i don't go overboard on wearing it. less is more in this case. i just believe that putting on a perfume is like putting on a mood. i have perfumes for the day and the night, they can never be worn out of context.

6. men. i like men, no i love men. as much as ya'll might think i am a huge lez, i'm not. I LOVE MEN. god sakes they can be so sexy. the angular faces, facial hair, low hips, the strength, their high little asses, broad chests and shoulders. i could go on and on and on. but dudes can be mad fucked up to chicks though, so it's a catch22.

7. sports. i like sports a lot, particularly full contact sports (hockey, lacrosse, American football). it's funny seeing that i am a 5'4" and not really atheletically inclined. i used to watch NBA ball when i was younger but became disillusioned by all the traveling and illegitmate fouls. now i don't even have a television and it's flipping the start of MarchMadness, i am dying to see some great NCAA games. GO BIG RED. the Superbowl this year had me on the edge of my seat, i was hysterical when the Giants won. but my favourite sporting event comes every four years and i live and breathe that shit. i'm talking about the World Cup. i can not freaking wait for the next one, i was glued to the set that summer. i think my love of sports is directly related to my love of men. i was told recently that i would be called a "jersey chaser". which is accurate except that i won't chase anything unless out of anger or hunger. my two top men right now are both on sports teams the Saints and the Galaxy. they are modern day adonis'.

8. other peoples babies. i am totally into babies as long as they do not come home with me or have 1/2 my DNA. my main baby for the last year or so has been Semai. just to let you all know he has four teeth and has started walking! Lincolnmonster is up there too, seeing him on Mark's shoulders and then doing his little plane thing were out of control cute.

9. cars. i have loved cars since i was little. one time my dad took my to the Javits Center to the annul car show. it was like 1994 and i was thrilled to bits. that is when i fell in love with the automotive. i could and can still kinda identify cars by the frame and headlights. a commerical for the Ford Probe sticks in my head. these little boys are having a sleepover and one is telling the other what kind of car was on the street based on the sound of the engine. then the Ford Probe comes ambling down the road and the first boys is like oh that's a Ford Probe and then the other boy is like yeah it is, but what color is it? i love that commercial, i wanted to be just like them. the Audi TDI Le Man is so sexy it hurts. but my favorite car company is Alfa Romeo, their 8C Spider is fly beyond belief.

10. jewelry. i want ice, but none of that blood diamond shit. i want canadian ice.

icydk/ riddle me this

Location: the internet in my bed and yes this is what the internet looks like from here. cool colors, huh.

I have been wondering about the internet again. there are many different languages that the internet uses. i am not sure but i think it is based in binary. fucks sake i dont know. but some of you do know this language. the internet is also built upon an internal user language as well. and i only began to notice it recently. it is kinda like text message speak, you know with all the abbreviations and acronyms that convey an action or thought. i am going to list the ones i have picked up on what urbandicitionary calls "netspeak".

SMH = shake my head
ICYDK = in case you didn't know
IMHO = in my honest opinion
NSFW = not safe for work...think nudie pics
NSFL = not safe for life, this term is even higher than nsfw. by clicking on the link death will meet you in no time, i mean, in your own time.
TL; DR = to long didn't read (this one is just sad)
HBIC = head bitch in charge hahahahahahhahhahahahahahahhah
ROFL = this one is that you have maybe used like in the days of AIMing, extension of LOL*
BB = baby
FTW = for the win, this denotes enthusiasm or excitement
TBH = to be honest
TBQH = to be quite honest

i am not sure that these ones even count because i use them in real life. those who know me know its sure. whatevs.
*LOL = laughing out loud
OMG = ohmygod, yes that is how you spell it
BFF = best friends forever
BRB = be right back. My friend Julie from back home actually taught me this one in 8th or 9th grade on AIM. i was so dense. this is how it went:

yourmomisanazol: blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah, i'm 13 going on 45, blahblahblah
pantsrjewels: brb

waiting no reply, then suddenly....

pantsrjewels: back
yourmomisanazol: what does brb mean
pantsrjewels: be right back
yourmomisanazol: ok

then i just sat there and waited because i thought she was doing something. i didn't realize that she was telling me what brb meants. so then i was like...

yourmomisanazol: are you there? i just asked you what brb meant and you just ignored me.
pantsrjewels: no jerkface, i was telling you what brb means. it means be right back
yourmomisanazol: ooooooohh...

in the words of Oprah, it was a lightbulb moment.

my love affair with the internet began long ago, in a state 4.5 hours away. I LOVE MD and the INTERNET. word up b-more.

kim kardashian vs. the hoover dam

maybe you haven't heard of kim kardashian so here is a photo. she the daughter of oj simpson's murder trial attroney and kris jenner. her step brother is brody jenner, who is a part if the hit MTV reality show "The Hills". her step-father is boring, and was once in the Olympics.

things you probably have heard about her, if you have at all.

1. she stars in a sex tape with Ray-J (aka the sister of the singer Brandy or how some of us remember her fondly, Moesha). he is the little fuckface in the yellow shirt.

2. that she has ass implants

3. that she currently is dating the New Orleans Saints' running back Reggie Bush or as i will call him Adonis. supposedly he is trying to wife her up.

4. that she is hot, because she was the covergirl for Playboy's December issue.

5. she is kinda a skank

things that you probably don't know about her, because you are not obsessed with celebrity.

1. she was once married for 4 years to a man named Damon Thomas. you would think that i was talking about the tall goodlooking one right. nope, he is the short busted dude in the first non-Kim photo. now how in the world did he land kim for any amount of time longer than it takes a male rabbit to orgasm?

2. she has a reality show called "Keeping up with the Kardashians". it is really weird. there is one episode in which her little sisters are playing on a stripper pole in their parents bedroom. SAY WHAT. yeah that's right kim kardashian's parents have a stripper pole in their bedroom. kim bought it for them. so basically, kim kardashian's little sisters were playing on a built in sex toy that she gave to her parents. there is more weirdness if you watch the video but i think it is too weird. what i am writing is true because i am a weirdo. my love of celebrity is like watching trains start for a station and return as crumpled piles of steel and steam. (sorry i got carried away)

3. i dont know if she has ass implants but she has superior assests and chestsets. you get it...you know what i mean...

4. that she is famous for no reason and that she doesnt have a job in any real sense of the word "job"

so where does the hoover dam come into all of this. it's like this: in my head the hoover damn is as cool or slightly cooler than (= or >) all things kim kardashian.

the hoover dam is a top priority on my american vacation list right now. why? because it is MASSIVE. it is so big that it blocks the Colorado River, this is the same river that carved the Grand Canyon (next on american vacation list). the dam was named after Herbert Hoover, the 31st president of Etats Unis (backwards that spells: sin u state. what does that say about the country and about the true feelings of the French). the building style of the dam is called a concrete arch-gravity dam, (i dont even know what that means). i think that being there would be ahmazing. you would be on so much electric power, concrete, and water. so yeah, even though i know more about kim kardashian, i would be starstruck by the hoover dam.

ps. Amy Winehouse's first album "Frank" is the shit

i get it. jeez.

ok ya'lls (i like to write that because it makes me think of britney spears saying it which, for me, is endlessly funny). let me get this straight, if i write in my blog you won't read it until i badger each of you to read it. i haven't written in my blog because i think no one reads it (mostly because ya'lls... hahaha... never leave me comments). now my deary friend mess told me off for not writing in it. so here we go.

i have been very upset recently, but for the most ridiculous reasons. today i was offended by fake tans, the other day it was because of celebrities insuring their bodies, and the other other day it was fake boobs. i am not sure why i am fascinated by these shallow waters. but let me explain my rage. i like celebrity gossip, i have many sites that i check obsessively. one site had the photos of orange-dayglow fake tan paris hilton at her movie premier of "The Hottie and the Nottie", then another site had the photos of Tom Jones (as seen above)

Tom Jones, who also likes sporting a creepy tan, supposedly has insured his beloved, manly (puke in mouth) chest-hair for $7million. yeah, $7million for leathery skin and greying chest-hair. ew. do you think that he dyes his chest-hair to match his carpet? sorry, that is inappropriate. then the Tom Jones thing, lead to other celebrities who have parts of their bodies insured for millions. Heidi Klum's legs are insured for $2.2million. then i wondered if she had her boobs insured because they are pretty famous too. then i thought about, what if she got fake boobs: would that increase or decrease the possible insurance value of her boobs. yeah, whatever. another Heidi in the celebritdom is Heidi Montag who has fake boobs (we know cuz she sold her surgery story to a tabloid magazine). Ms. Montag and her boobs are now singers and have a new music video. on the other hand, Dolly Parton has massive fake boobs and i love her (for seemingly countless reasons). what gives. idk.

welcome to loza-land

Heidi Montag's new video for her single "Higher" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSRigInpvYM
try to listen to the song and its crappiness, but it is so hard to do because of heidi's fake boobs and amazing body.